celebrating imperfection

there are so many things i want to learn to do and so many things i want learn about. we live in such a big, wide, interesting world that i feel overwhelmed with not having enough time for it all. i then feel sad to think of all those unhappy years i spent just trying to fit in, trying to be just the right way to survive my day, my week, or my year. or to be someone else's idea of what i should be, just be accepted, at school or at home.

i realize and now have a greater understanding that my mom's need for fitting in, not only for her, but for us 3 kids as well, was all about shedding a past and being from a foreign country. during that time and where we started our lives in america foreigners were ostracized. but, dang , i still fantasize how our lives could have been if the fitting in, and doing the "right" thing weren't there. all that wasted time that could have been spent exploring more and creating more and finding our authentic selves.

as i grew up i struggled a lot. i never fit in. i could never identify with a specific group to fit in, well that is until is discovered punk rock. to this day it holds a special spot in my heart. it was my mecca for acceptance of everyone, a d.i.y. attitude, freedom in creativity with everything from art, music, decorating, to fashion mixed with large amounts of angst. i loved my time heavily involved in the scene. it certainly did not make me more accepted at school, and it threw my mom and step-dad into a tailspin of it's supposed evils. for me it was a place to feel connected, it was special.

i hope that if my kids need a scene like that ever that i will support them. i hope i let them sit and day dream enough. i hope i let them start and stop, and make mistakes enough. i hope i do these things now and for always. i hope they find outlets for their emotions instead of thinking the way they are isn't good enough so they have to drown out their pain with alcohol or drugs.

a lot of times i describe myself as in a day dream. i zone out a lot, and i like to spend large amounts of time starting and stopping things, sometimes never finishing what i started. it took until i was in my 20s to feel that i was okay. that even though i did not identify with a specific group of people and i seemed kind of crazy, that i was okay being this way. just being me.

here i am many years later and i still struggle with that. i still fear not being good enough or doing something the supposed right way. i question my choices too often. how stupid and sad is that?! living here in this area is so healing. you can let your freak flag fly no matter how big or small it is. being at home with my kids and letting them live a beautiful life of freedom from structure has been so healing as well.but, how can i allow them to try things and either give up (which is okay!) or make mistakes, if i don't allow myself the same acceptance?

*****

i purchased a quilt some time back that needed some mending. do you remember it? some of the small squares on the front needed stitching or replacing. several of the women in the thrift store that day told me that i could whip stitch squares back on, i assume that is so you don't go through the batting and back fabric. i gave it a try and whip stitched a few spots and gave up. it was boring and the end result wasn't that exciting so i put it down. the quilt is a favorite with my family, it's their go to blanket when snuggling up on the couch. how could it not be, it's soft and well worn. it's still their favorite with the rips and shreds of fabric hanging off.

this past christmas chris got me a new sewing machine. i had been using the old machine i inherited from my mom. this new machine is fancy- it's the fashion mate by singer. it has 48 decorative stitches. needless to say i felt intimidated. i assumed to do it right i would have to read the booklets, and maybe also watch the dvd, i couldn't just jump in. so the machine has sat untouched, just like the quilt, and i have become frustrated with myself. i didn't trust enough in myself to do either project correctly.

this past sunday i declared a sewing day. chris and jasper would be out of town all day into the night, and marley had an all day play date the day before and would want some quiet. i decided i would not sit online, i would not clean, i would not cook, i would sew. i also decided to be brave and jump in and make mistakes. so i went for it.

i have stitched through the quilt

i've put ribbon, fabric scraps and patches on it.

i've made mistakes. guess what? i don't care. i've had a blast learning to use my new machine, i have laughed at my mistakes and have wondered solutions to challenges that came up, but i am rejoicing in my bravery. i did it while stumbling along the way. i want to hug myself. that is something i definitely want my kids to learn.
i'm so glad that i'm not a perfectionist!